Perimeno-wtf?! And Other Things We Don’t Discuss at Work
We're getting personal here today, because next week is the one year anniversary of losing my uterus.
Some people might think a business-related email newsletter isn’t the right place to talk about a hysterectomy, but I think it’s important to talk about women’s bodies here.
Our Bodies, Our Work
A Harvard Business Review report from 2023 found that search committees chose not to hire women between the ages of 40 to 60 because of “impending menopause” and “menopause-related issues.”
Participants also reported that menopausal women “seemed less confident and less emotionally stable.”
Because we don’t want our woman-ness held against us, we don’t often talk about how our bodies can make it difficult for us to work.
Eighteen years ago, I lost a client early in my pregnancy because I was horribly ill, but I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone I was pregnant in those first few weeks. I could barely get out of bed, but I tried to power through and ultimately failed.
I never told that client what was going on. I didn’t want to use my pregnancy as an “excuse.” I just felt like I’d screwed up.
And let me tell you—I did not let that happen again (I know—that was not the right lesson, but here we are).
Perimeno-wtf?!
And then there’s menopause.
We’re not supposed to talk about it in a professional setting, but during “the menopause transition”—aka perimenopause—it’s not unusual to have debilitating cramps, heavy bleeding, brain fog, memory loss, night sweats, interrupted sleep, hot flashes, and other indignities.
This can go on for a decade! I’m about 7 years in, if anyone is wondering. And we’re just supposed to keep chugging along, like our bodies aren’t constantly throwing up obstacles to productivity.
Slowing down is hard.
When I was scheduling my hysterectomy a year ago, I was looking at my calendar, figuring out how to slot it in without interrupting client work. I’ve learned not to let my body slow me down.
And in the weeks leading up to my hysterectomy, when I was bleeding uncontrollably for something like 7 weeks in a row—with horrible cramps as the cherry on top, not to mention the crazy-making extra hormones I was on—of course I never mentioned anything to my clients.
I’m not saying that’s the right thing to do. It’s not.
Losing my uterus was also harder emotionally than I was expecting. I obviously didn’t misplace it. But I say “lost” intentionally, because I was surprised by how much I felt it as a deep loss.
I was pragmatic at first. I didn’t want more children. My uterus had done its service and it was really misbehaving.
But after (and before my surgery), I really had to grieve the loss and the end of my child-bearing years. I was surprised by the strength of the waves of grief that kept washing over me. And I didn’t really take time for that. I just slotted my grief into the little stolen moments that I felt I could afford. I still feel it a bit even now.
Women are such badasses
I don’t want to celebrate women ignoring or minimizing our own physical pain. But I do want to acknowledge how friggin' tough we are. We shouldn’t need to push through, but we can and we do.
Yesterday a friend shared another perspective that really resonated. A few years ago, when she was going through a hard time, no one at work had any idea. And that was actually a relief—having a space where she could just feel normal and didn't have to carry all of it for a few hours each day. I get that.
But we also need to know when to talk about it—when to ask for help or ask for an extension or be honest when our bodies are saying something that we need to listen to.
Navigating shit like this is also why it’s important to have a community of other women to lean on. I’m grateful to have that and I know that I’m far from alone.
Talking about this stuff isn’t complaining or making excuses.
It’s acknowledging that women’s bodies are complicated and sometimes difficult, but they’re also beautiful and incredibly powerful.
So a year after giving up my uterus, I want to honor the strength and vulnerability of the women around me—and celebrate my own. Let's keep taking care of ourselves and each other.
What about you? Have you ever had to push through something you probably shouldn't have—either in your body or your business? What did you learn? Are you better at asking for help than I am?
Goodies Just For You
WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT: Continuing to stay on topic here… Have you listened to the latest season of The Retrievals podcast?! It's about how many women feel significant, unacceptable levels of pain during C-sections. It's really upsetting, but everyone needs to listen to it, because we need some BIG changes there. I wish they'd spent more time talking about the pervasive and insidious idea that women are SUPPOSED to feel pain during childbirth. And it ended abruptly, without enough discussion of possible next steps in terms of policy. But it's really well done. I think it's a must-listen.
WHAT I'M BAKING: Scallion-Oil Fish is my new favorite quick weeknight meal. I made it last week and again last night. It's boyfriend- and teen son-approved. And it comes together in less than 30 minutes. Last night I added olives. Next time I'll also add capers. But it's also delicious as written. I made it with wild cod from Trader Joe's, which is also inexpensive. So many wins!
WHO I'M ADMIRING: While I'm talking about the importance of community, I want to give a shout out to Bri Leever. Bri is the founder of Ember Consulting, which helps people build their own membership communities. She also hosts her own rich community of founders and community-builders. And as you'd expect of a community builder, she's a lovely, warm person. Check her out!
