Marriage & Independence
I’m a romantic and I always cry at weddings. I’m rooting for all my married friends. AND I have some complicated feelings about a woman’s position in a marriage.
I married pretty young and it didn't work out. But at the time, I really wanted to get married and we were happy for a while.
But then when it ended 6 years ago, after 18 years, I fell in love with my independence.
Looking back, I can see how I'd slowly disappeared. My business took a backseat. My husband's career always came first. I felt myself getting smaller and smaller.
My podcast feed has been spicy!
This subject is coming up for me now because my podcast feed has been extra spicy lately.
Last weekend I was baking a galette, listening to Judge Judy on Amy Poehler’s podcast. I don’t really know Judge Judy beyond the memes, so I was not prepared when she said this:
"A woman has to have a way of earning a living. Because if a woman doesn't have a way of supporting herself, she is in a position of being controlled."
A beat later, she cautioned women to have an exit plan.
I had to hit rewind to hear it again.
And then a few days later, I heard Elizabeth Gilbert say on Monica Lewinsky’s podcast:
"The very best thing a man can do for himself is to marry a woman… And the exact opposite, to the exact same degree, is true for women."
Oof, did I feel that in my body!
Marriage is great for men
Turns out there’s actual data behind what Gilbert and Judge Judy are talking about. Sociologists call it the “Marriage Benefit Imbalance.”
That’s a polite, sanitized name for a very harsh truth. Here's what the research shows:
Married women, on average, live shorter lives, have less money, more illness, more stress, are more likely to die by suicide, and face greater risk of violence (usually at the hands of their partners) than single women.
While married men?
Those lucky guys make more money, own more property, live longer, are physically healthier, happier, and less likely to commit suicide than their single counterparts.
Wanna be my wife?
I often joke about wanting a wife.
Not because I want to get married—far from it. But because wives give everything to their husbands and families. And I’ve often found myself longing for that kind of support.
I love being independent AND sometimes I just want someone to take care of me. People are complicated, okay?
Some relationships obviously defy this pattern. And some of you are figuring out how to make marriage work for you. I truly love to see it. And I’m rooting for you all.
But the pattern is still real.
And for a lot of us, this imbalance isn’t theoretical. It’s lived experience.
Hard Lessons
What I learned the hard way is that being able to make your own money can dramatically shift a power dynamic. You make decisions from a place of choice, not desperation.
Most women don't remarry after divorce. Most men do. Because marriage benefits them.
I’m not advocating for avoiding committed relationships (unless that’s what you want). I just think we all need to be aware of the power dynamics in our relationships and make sure we’re taking care of ourselves. And getting what we need.
Proud Spinster
Post-divorce, some people are surprised when I say I never want to marry again.
In my first email to you, I mentioned how the word "spinster" originally celebrated independence. Over time it became an insult, but for me, it’s a reminder that I get to run my business exactly how I want, choose my own path, and build the life I want to live.
If spinster equals independence? I'll take it.
Goodies Just For You
WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT: This shouldn't be news, but it somehow warranted a full article that I clicked on and now I'm sharing. I'm embarrassed for myself AND I think it's important. The shocking, newsworthy thing that Andie McDowell said (in a longer quote about aging): “I’m gonna look like I’m supposed to look, because I love myself. And I don’t have to look young.”
WHAT I'M MAKING: My son liked salmon and then he didn't and now he does again, so I have this Salmon with Anchovy Butter on repeat. If you're like my boyfriend and don't like cooked salmon, I'm here to tell you it's also delicious with cod. The recipe is for 4, but I think it's the perfect amount of sauce for just 2 filets. The sauce is truly divine, so double it if you're doing 4. And if you're wary of anchovies, don't worry—it doesn't taste at all fishy. They just add that yummy umami situation.
WHO I'M ADMIRING: Katie Crouch is a feminist copywriter for woman-owned small businesses. She writes copy for websites, email newsletters, sales pages, whatever you need. Another REALLY cool thing that she does is she'll interview your clients to get really detailed, results-oriented testimonials. She did this recently for one of my clients and it made my job much easier to hear about the results she delivered, in her clients' words. She recently moved to Seville, but she's figuring out how to still work with American clients. Check her out! She's super cool!
